Sunday, September 12, 2010

just breath

As I got out of the shower this morning I burst into tears.  .  .   
why?
 I usually do my crying in the shower not as I am getting out, it's easier on the eyes and my face doesn't get as red. 

There was really no reason for the tears and there was no warning, other than the thought I had just had that unless plans change, it will only be Kim and I with Karly, Kloe and Kyle on Christmas morning. To some this still seems like a large group, but to our family this is almost an empty house. The thought that came right after that was that this could be Kyle's last Christmas morning as my little boy. No, you have not missed any thing, Kyle is not engaged, but he is a returned missionary and I count each holiday with him as possible the last before he is married and off to his in-laws home instead of ours where he belongs.
This last month reality hit Kim and I in the face. I spent the summer mending my broken ankle and not thinking about the impending changes fall would bring. Knowing I would have to be out of town early Sept, I spent late July and early Aug. shopping for fall. I enjoyed getting Kloe ready for 8th grade without admitting she would actually attend school as an 8th grader. I cherished the shopping with Karly getting her ready for college without ever considering that she would actually leave home and go away to school. As far as Kyle, I just refuse to shop for him, so he snuck things into the piles. Kloe turned 13 just days after our family vacation and I left town the next day to handle house business in southern California. Kim was left in charge of making sure Kloe was on time for her first day of school and someone took pictures of her, also that Karly and Kyle were packed and ready to leave for college. I was so busy while in California I never had time to think about my babies growing up and leaving home. I was home for less than 24 hours and we were on the road taking Karly and Kyle off to college. On the drive back home Kim and I talked about how quiet things would be with just ourselves and Kloe, still not until this morning and the quiet had settled in did reality hit me that my babies are growing up and I am almost out of a job.
I have thought about going back to school or spending lots of time volunteering or getting a part time job, but none of those things will give me my babies back, they are wonderful, healthy people, growing up and going on their own just like they should and I am having to reminding myself
to just breath.

4 comments:

Baxter's said...

I promise I am trying to do everything I can to enjoy my little ones...I just realized in 11 short years, my oldest will be off to "somewhere" without me. Hansen is babbling downstairs and chirping out "mama" every now and again just to make sure I am still here. I sure hope in 20 years, I am able to say, 'my babies are healthy, wonderful people going on their own just like they should" You're a wonderful mama...and you never outgrow your mom. Never.

Fern said...

um... what about my kids huh? I'm gone for a week and you forget about me? :) You're free to watch my boys as often as you need.
Mack still is asking about the childrens museum.

Shelly said...

Breathing is over rated some days! I say cry ! I know what you mean. I cloud up on a regular basis as I am trying to reinvent myself. I miss my little kids and spend to much time looking backward. I am proud that they are good, productive and responsible adults though.
Have you thought about being a foster parent?

Mackenzie said...

You are a great mom, and a wonderful example to me! I am glad I got up to speed on your whole ankle thing, I never knew the story...and the grandkid pictures-priceless! I love them! I think its time for a new post...announcing your new job, ha ha ha!